y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We left an ass print on the piano.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
