Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Boobs are out for the taking
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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