mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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