you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
