if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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