Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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