I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
smell my finger.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
