I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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