Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
