I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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