My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
