Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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