she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
