I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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