I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
