So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
