I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
