just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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