We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
