i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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