M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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