hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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