ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
