They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
