R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize