I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
worst night to have a conscience
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize