I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize