Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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