Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
