I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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