My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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