I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
