It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
