I think im going to throw up on grandma
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize