Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
