i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
