dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
