I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
