Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
