She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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