I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
