Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize