Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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