I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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