I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
PANTIES FOUND
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
