oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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