oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
