at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
