Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize