3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
