I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
