There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
