Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
