I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
