i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
