I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He kissed a someone with a penis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
