I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My balls are so social today.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
