Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize