# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
